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  • Elle Montgomery

Before We "Do It" - She Says

Elle and Ty Montgomery Sitting at a beach dinner, in formal attire

I’mmm back! Did you miss me? This is Elle again (if you missed my last takeover, check it out here), and I’m so excited to get into the topic of: "Before We Do It." Sharing from both sides of the marriage equation has been fun and we pray helpful!

I hope y'all enjoyed both of our thoughts on “Before We Say I Do” and I know if you’re asking those questions, then you are secretly asking this one: What about before we do it? Yep, I said it. If you’re not asking this question, maybe you should be, because while lots of people prepare for marriage, there are several things to consider that take thought, intentionality, and love. For those of you who have abstained up until this point, Good for you! I’m super proud and the Lord is also proud. But I can definitely understand where this topic can leave you with a lot of questions and concerns. Don’t worry, your girl is here to give you some things to keep in mind that should help relieve some pressure.

So, without further ado, today we are talking through 5 things to do, think, and evaluate before you do it.

  1. What’s the Point?: Firstly, I think it’s important to note God’s design for sex. Sex is meant to be a gift (yes, quite literally a gift! Shout out to Sky Daddy for that one!)  given to married couples in the Christian context. It is important to note that if you aren't married, I’m not talking to you, sis, (and I’m giving you a holy side eye because we know better, girl! Unh Unh!). Genesis 2:24 is a really powerful statement about the oneness of marriage, and of sex. It says, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” One flesh. The Bible can’t make it much more clear that a holy, literal, coming together is birthed out of marriage. Hebrews 13:4 emphasizes how important and intentional this design is: “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” It’s a special, sacred thing and I wholeheartedly believe that if you can abstain and wait until marriage, the Lord will bless your sex life with your husband and it will be way better than if you weren’t abstaining. And even if you haven’t up to this point, you still can. Like, seriously. Just wait! 

  2. Talk About It: Look, I know it can be easier to do it than to talk about it. But discussing your expectations, desires, and any concerns with your spouse is so important, especially because they can change! Maintain a safe and respectful environment to express your needs and listen to your partner's needs. The more open and communicative you're able to be with one another, the easier and more enjoyable the actual act will be for you both. I’ll let you in on a secret: men appreciate this more than we think they will. They’re more confident if they know what you expect and can deliver on that request.

Create a safe space for bae the same way you’d like for him to create one for you. 

3. Get Naked: Wait! I mean, emotionally. I like thinking about Intimacy as “Into me, you see.” Intimacy is extremely important because I believe lots of people take intimacy to mean sex, but it’s so much deeper than that. It’s communication, it’s honesty, it’s openness. It’s verbal and nonverbal displays of affection for your spouse. It’s the ability to have difficult conversations… The better you are at intellectual and emotional intimacy, the better physical intimacy becomes! And ladies this is not just for the men. While it’s a scientific fact that a woman’s sex drive is most frequently stimulus-based, and men are more likely to have spontaneous sex drives, it’s still your job to love on him! Romanticize him and make him feel like you're proud to get to love him! What did Sexxy Red say? “Bae I love youuuuu, you my everythinggggggg.” THAT is our standard, sister! 

4. Be Teachable: Sex with your spouse can and will be an ever-changing journey of self-exploration. It’s important to keep in mind that as you’re growing and learning what you like and dislike, so is your partner. Create a safe space for bae the same way you’d like for him to create one for you. 

5. Have Fun: Sex was never meant to be a chore ladies, the Lord designed it for it to be pleasurable. In fact, we girls are the gender that has an organ that is designed purely for pleasure without purpose. God made us to enjoy it! 1 Corinthians 7:4 says this in the NLT, “The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.It’s a mutual decision to give and love and enjoy! Don't be afraid to switch it up and try new things. Lingerie, games, positions… etc.– what matters is that you are trying, exploring, and learning together. This is all you get for the rest of your life, girl! And that’s not a drag but an opportunity to get really good at something with someone for the long haul. Celebrate that and have fun with it!

Remember, every relationship is unique, and the steps before marriage are going to have their own nuances for you and your significant other, but these are a good starting place.

To my married people in the room, what did you evaluate or discuss before sex? Share it in the comments so every reader can gain as much as possible from this post. 

Until next time! Xx

  • Elle

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